I'm not sure what to write...
So I'll fill you in on basically this whole year up till now
Umm it's been a whirlwind of an adventure, both good and bad.
So I guess I'll start with the bad? so we can end on a happy note.
okay here it goes.
(There is emotional swearing and frustrations galore, just a warning it's pretty much a year long rant).
So this year I've had a couple mental breakdowns and anxiety/panic attacks. The anxiety and panic attacks were caused by my car overheating because the water pump is breaking. It would overheated so bad THE ENTIRE CAR WOULD SHUT DOWN AND THE WHEEL WOULD LOCK, it also wouldn't start back up. I would have to pour water into the coolant reservoir ASAP, which meant the water would boil upon contact, (Basically looked like a VOLCANO IN MY ENGINE). And I would have to keep pouring in water until it stopped evaporating so that I wouldn't crack the engine. It got really bad and I would always try and keep myself calm but anxiety would creep up on me when the temperature needle would start climbing up, when it would go into and PAST the RED, I would start losing control and start panicking and trying to find a safe place or anywhere to pull over.
*No the car is not fixed, No I haven't bought a new one (but I'm trying to), yes occasionally I do drive it (but right now I'm borrowing a friend's car bless their heart, they knew what I was going through too), I try to walk instead of actually driving that car anywhere near my home.
Also the certificate I was working on fell into a gray zone, and I quite literally and on several occasions MARCHED MY ASS to various DEANS to push my approval through because I was ONE CREDIT away from earning the certificate. (The department was being "Shut down" to be "Reconstructed" academically and the facility is getting torn down to be remodeled. Why they can't just move the classroom to another building LIKE THEY DID WITH ALL THE OTHER COURSES WHEN THEIR BUILDINGS WERE REMODELED IS SO BEYOND ME BULLSH*T//passionately angry about that whole thing) BUT!!! I was approved and registered into the certificate program and //cross my fingers, will be completing my last needed class this fall semester. (But ffff the dean still hasn't emailed me or added me into the course, or knows who the instructor will be, mind you fall starts in two weeks, that is BS and unprofessional for a COLLEGE!!!!!!!)
I'm passionately angry because they fired my professor because, they said, "We can fire you, and hire someone else and pay them less than your salary to do your job" WHAT KIND OF REASON IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!? "Oh, but you can reapply for the job when it opens". I was so upset the dean did that, and this is the dean I had to keep pestering to push me into a closed program. I fought tooth and nail on this, and I was the last person accepted. I had to deal with rude turn downs from Administration, SEVERAL weeks of emails between counsellors and the deans. When I finally got approved I was so stern and calm telling Administration, "NO! I have BOTH DEAN approvals to be admitted into that program." Hoooooo they got so quiet after that, because they had harassed and yelled at me so much, even though I had the dean in charge of the program's approval, they said "No, it's not our boss." and various other comments. So not raising my voice (because I was pretty much about to cry from everything happening up till this point) I asked who their boss was, and that I would be back with HER approval. (She initially wouldn't approve me until the first guy (the one in my original email that I showed Administration) re approved me, (because it was a three month old email). So THAT TOOK WEEKS OF ANXIETY WAITING ON THAT TO GO THROUGH. And I had explained to admin. who was in charge of the program and they still were hard asses on it until I had TWO DEANS APPROVE ME!!!!! (Admin and the deans, and most of botany department know who I am now, and they all know if I am passionate about something, I won't go down without giving it my all and more.
So because of ALL THAT STUFF ABOVE, this happened.
Between me waiting for the emails to say I'm approved and my car continually shutting down on me, studying for 5 classes, all this is -just- before FINALS WEEK. I was just breaking down already, and after class I told my favorite teacher I had to go, but I would be coming back later if she was still there, (she said she would be so I made it a point to stop back in). ANYWAY, I left to go across campus to the mental health counsellor, because I was seriously breaking down at that point. My car sent me into pretty extreme panic attacks alone. (I'm usually the most calm in my entire group of friends and can hold my own fairly well, so actually having anxiety surface this strongly was pushing the panic attack further because I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF or reign myself back in, couldn't even ground myself), my professor was being "let go for restructuring", I had to fight so hard on this whole certificate (which I was only one class away from completing), and kept getting the run around. And I explained it all to the mental health counsellor, trying not to cry for the couple hours I was in there. But it felt really lifting to have someone listen, because I didn't really want to tell most of my friends about everything going on because I really don't want to burden them. But I would call a few people when my car would break down, trying to hold back my tears, because my chest would get so tight, and I'd start violently shaking to the point I would death grip my arms in a feeble attempt to stop shaking. And so I'd somehow manage to dial a friend and just had them keep talking until I calmed down, and it would help. I would be okay after that until someone could come save me. (I also told my teacher about everything that was going on and she also helped me try to keep the department, we voiced it very strongly, and thought we won when the whole department backed up the notion to keep the program. NOPE! all over ruled by the dean I had to keep fighting and pushing emails through, still pushing emails with him.) But ever since then, I've had a few long talks with my teacher about various things, and we've kinda grew and bonded through the semesters. I think she is the one professor that turned my life around *(I'll tell you how further down).
So yeah, I pretty much broke down for half the semester, while somehow maintaining two jobs (for healthcare), I'm still recovering to be honest. But I'm making GREAT STRIDES FORWARD!!!!!!!! (Okay, happy news now!!!!)
So my favorite teacher, asked me to become a (paid) tutor for her summer microbiology classes, (since I was in the Microbiology lab for summer). I accepted!!! and I have been super happy to be a tutor this summer, granted it was my first time ever really tutoring. It has been an amazing summer session (I also had to take a chemistry lab for the first half of summer passed that one by the skin of my teeth hehe). But this is the final week for the summer Microbiology and I'm preparing material and lab reports for the final exam this week. SUPER STOKED!!!
AND GET THIS, She asked if I would also tutor for fall (microbiology). And I'm on the fence about it, as much as I love it I really want to be her Student instructor for BOT130 (Plants in the Hawaiian Environment). BECAUSE as much as I love Micro, that isn't really my forte. Botany is where I'm at, and I know how to break down the concepts and how to identify the 50+ plants she expects the class to memorise by the final. Like that right there is my thang, I LOVE NATIVE HAWAIIAN PLANTS. (but I'm waiting for one more approval to go through so that I will get that job. //crossmyfingersanymoreandtheywillstayentwinedalready)
So yeah life is good, (yeah some bad happened, but that's okay, life moves on, I'm moving through it. It's all Good! It's only bad if life is moving forward and you are moving back, OR life is moving but you're standing still. That's my honest opinion, so yeah as long as I'm moving ahead no matter what pace life is good.)
*(as promised here's that story of the professor that turned my life around)
So back in spring of 2014 I took a Botany class with my friend entirely on his recommendation. I didn't know it would have changed my life from then on. Because I was working two jobs, and half-assing my education efforts. But while in this botany class, I just fell back in love with nature and plants. I loved listening to my teacher talk and explain the different environments and zones for certain species. It all just clicked so easily in my head to understand all this. And as a final project for that class I put together a presentation of Landscaping (Native hawaiian plants) used alongside architecture (which is the combination of two of my loves). I blew her away on that presentation (it was suppose to be group but I went solo). She had at that point said "If this isn't your calling, I don't know what is". And being the little shithead I was, I kinda brushed off the idea of plants as my calling. And it took me a whole year to figure out how right she was about that statement. And I have been getting more and more involved with organizations and projects to promote native hawaiian conservation efforts. I'm working towards three or four certificate in this field before transferring to a university to complete my bachelor degree in Tropical Plant and Soil Science: Plant production and Management. (Wootwoot three more year to go till I'm all done with school!!!)
So yeah, whirlwind of an adventure so far. As crazy as it was, I wouldn't change a thing, I'm here and a little stronger from it so yeah!!!
ps i moved to tumblr you can find me at ( tolumnia.tumblr.com/